Cell Phones

Here is something I simply do not understand: Why do people take so damn long to answer their cell phones? Is it really that hard? Does it really take that long to figure out its your phone when you hear it ringing very loudly and, coincidentally, right next to you? And when everyone around you is glaring, exhaling loudly, and rolling his or her eyes at you? Take a hint much, buddy? And have you noticed that the people who take forever to answer their damn phones are always the ones who've got the worst ringtones, the most obnoxious ones imaginable, and have their volume set to ear-splitting? Then, when they finally do answer the thing, they do so in a voice so loud, you would think they were not even using a phone, but rather, just trying to yell loudly enough to make the other person hear them hundreds of miles away? Why is this? Why do they talk so loudly? Is it because they are also the most hard-of-hearing people? Did they grow up in families where their parents yelled at people on the phone all the time, so they were taught that this is acceptable and proper and were also bereft of their hearing as a result? Now they can't hear a damn thing, so they yell without realizing it. This would also explain why it takes them so long to answer their calls.
I, for one, always make a conscious effort to answer my phone on the first or second ring, or as close to that as possible, or to silence it immediately by pressing--listen up here, people--the volume control. Yes, that's right. You can also hit 'ignore.' Whatever you like. Or, you can go on doing what you do now, which is stare at the phone like some kind of idiot, debating whether or not to answer it, or perhaps trying to recall whether or not you know who is calling you, or maybe trying to GUESS who it might be based on the area code and who you know in that area, while the rest of us just sit and wait, forced to endure your inane, godawful ring tone at a volume that would make Alexander Graham Bell roll over in his grave. What is wrong with you?
Another thing: Put your phone in an easily-accessible place, i.e., NOT the very bottom of your purse where it takes you so long to find it that the obnoxious ringtone completes its painful cycle and is replaced by your even more obnoxious (how?! I don't know!) voicemail notification, because--that's right--you took so damn long to press your mobile device to your ear that the caller actually had time to leave a voicemail.
Then, you decide you need to call the person back RIGHT NOW and yell at the top of your lungs like you're an airplane technician and there's a jet engine roaring right next to you. A little, gentle, polite reminder: There are other people around you. You are not alone. Please remember this. And if you can't use a cell phone courteously and responsibly, DON'T USE ONE! Give it to someone who can handle it! You know, I think some people should honestly be required to take a course on proper cell phone etiquette. Upon successful completion, they can obtain a 'Speaker's Permit,' with a probationary period of six weeks where they are tested for various qualities, like idiocy, obnoxiousness, self-awareness, loudness, etc. If they successfully complete this test, and are thus deemed fit to carry and use a cell phone, they are given a license to speak, which can and will be revoked if necessary. Having to use a landline for even just a day will remind them of how thankful they should be to have a cell phone and the right to use one. Maybe then they will think of others in public places.