Strange Habits

I was watching Rachael Ray this morning. Okay, let me rephrase. I was...doing something else, and Rachael Ray's show was on, and I overheard...okay, I was watching Rachael Ray, and I saw something quite peculiar. A woman was talking about her addiction to eating toilet paper. There was plenty of video of her consuming bathroom tissue in significant quantities. She keeps a roll in her glove compartment, for a snack on the road. She keeps some in a bag in her purse. She has eaten over one thousand pounds of toilet paper over twenty-three years.
Questions. Well, there's the obvious one: What the hell is it about toilet paper that this woman craves? She says she loves the way it melts in her mouth. She likes the feel of it against her tongue.
Next: How did she find out that she liked eating toilet paper? I'm not sure if this was answered in the segment, but I would sure like to know. It seems to me there is only one way to find out: Try eating some. But why? What would possess a person to even try eating toilet paper? You're sitting there, on the toilet, getting ready to wrap up your business, and you think, "Hmmm, I wonder what it would be like to eat this stuff..." Wow. Why doesn't she just eat cotton candy if she likes the feel of something with that kind of texture melting in her mouth?
She says, and I paraphrase, "I want people to know that I'm a regular person, like them. I just like eating toilet paper." Sure. I mean, other than that, we probably have a lot in common.
Somewhere out there, a man was watching that segment and smiling, tears shimmering in his eyes as he gently folded sheets of toilet paper onto his tongue and said, "I've found the one."

Cleaning Up After The Holidays

I love that, when trying to dispose of my Christmas tree today, I used about four trash bags, a huge paper bag, four plastic shopping bags and the plastic packaging from two bulk packs of toilet paper, taped together with an entire roll of scotch tape to look like some sort of homeless monster trying to cover himself against the cold--only to realize, after taking this unsightly mess down to the trash collection site in my building, that I had a large heavy-duty trash bag sitting under my sink...right next to the smaller trash bags of which I had used half a box to make my shoddy patchwork quilt. Awesome.

Riding the Train

Here's something I just don't understand: People getting on trains with no money. What do they think is going to happen? I would really like to know. Saw three young men do this last night. Got on at Grand Central Station in Manhattan and apparently were looking for a free ride to Dobbs Ferry, forty minutes away. Such a ticket would have cost roughly eight or nine dollars one-way. When the conductor asked them for their tickets, they said they had lost them. When she said they'd have to pay the on-train ticket price, which is nearly double the in-advance price, they said they had no money on them. No money. She told them they would have to get off at the next stop, get some money, and wait for the next train. What the hell were they thinking? Did they think they would get a vote of sympathy from the conductor? They did nothing to try to win one. Did they think they could just say,'Put it on my tab' and the MTA would bill them later? Clearly, these people are just idiots or they have never ridden a train before. I would love to know what's going on inside these people's heads--but I'm thinking I already know: Nothing.
Now, having said that, let me criticize the MTA: How dare you charge DOUBLE the ticket price for on-board purchases? I understand you wish to deter people from buying on-board because there are often a lot of people on the train, and this way the conductor just has to collect and click tickets and hand out seat checks. Convenient for him or her. Convenient for you. Saves time. Guess what? Not convenient for US. We try to buy our tickets in advance, we really do, because most of us know that you go for the jugular with your on-board prices. But sometimes, it just doesn't work out, y'know? Sometimes, we're running late, for whatever reason, and we just didn't have time to purchase the ticket in advance, and maybe we're not currently riding often enough to purchase a ten-trip or a monthly ticket in advance. Maybe we're unemployed and going in for job interviews. And for this, we get screwed with DOUBLE the fare? How is that just? Charge a few dollars extra if you want a deterrent--not a one hundred percent (or nearly that) markup! Especially when you raise your prices like everyone else and then cut certain train lines and expect all of us to just deal with it. Stop ripping us off. And just so you know, it's been quite a while since I've had to pay an on-board fare, so I'm not writing this in the heat of passion after being ripped off myself. I'm writing for everyone who rides the train. That's all I've got to say, dammit.