Bob Dylan & Christmas

Let me start by saying I love Bob Dylan's music. I think he's truly a genius, one of the greatest songwriters/poets of all time.
However, to me, this does not mean he should sing Christmas carols. If you have not heard this, or even if you have, just to remind you, please indulge:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8qE6WQmNus

Am I the only one who finds it sad that when you type 'Must Be Santa' into YouTube's search field, 'Bob Dylan' is the first artist name that comes up after it?

I think we can all agree that it's probably not completely in keeping with the spirit of Christmas for children to hear the songs of Ol' St. Nick being sung in a low, gravelly voice that calls to mind a homeless, wandering vagrant stumbling through the streets, a Colt 45 malt beverage wrapped in a brown paper bag in one hand, a smoking blunt in the other, crooning to himself and anyone else who will listen as he searches for a place to sleep. It might scare them a bit.

Once again, Bob's amazing, and I love his truly inspired and inspirational work, but let's leave the caroling to every other famous singer who does it year after year on every basic cable television station for the month or so leading up to Christmas. I think kids should probably become young adults, at least, before they hear Ol' St. Bob. And they should probably go deaf before they hear Ol' St. Bob sing any Christmas songs.

A Simple Request

Is it too much to ask for grocery stores to put all items where they belong? Not ALMOST all, or NEARLY all...just ALL. I mean, isn't that the job of a grocery store? To have things in their proper places? That was the impression I was under, anyway. Then why, pray tell, are the corn tortillas in Stop & Shop on the OPPOSITE side of the store from all the other tortillas?! There's a whole section of tortillas, right near the deli. So, naturally, I look there first. I carefully check each stack of tortillas, and all of them are made with wheat. Even the tomato and basil ones that are orange. Okay, I say to myself. I've been in this situation before. Except last time, Stop & Shop didn't have the corn tortillas at all. So, after searching every conceivable shelf in the store and concluding that they were nowhere to be found, I headed over to the A&P grocery store...where the corn tortillas were also absent. I finally found them at De Cicco's market. Three stores for a package of corn tortillas. Does that seem right to you?
So back to the story at hand. I say to myself, dammit, I better not have to go to two other stores to find these damn things again. They aren't even that good! They fall apart as soon as you try to roll them up with anything inside. Very poorly made. Maybe it has something to do with the amount of food I try to pack inside them, but I still say it's shoddy work! Anyway, my fiance has an allergy to gluten and wheat products, so I need to get them for her, and she's well worth the effort, so I just patiently trek through the store looking for them.
Oh, I say. There's some pizza crust on a shelf. Perhaps the corn tortillas are hanging out there. I insert myself between a couple of customers and rifle through the contents of the shelf to find NO corn tortillas. This is not looking good, I say.
Then, I remember my fiance telling me last time, after my three-store corn crusade, that they are often found in the Natural Foods section. Well, great, where the hell is that? Of course it's on the opposite end of the store from the rest of the tortillas. But there they are, sure enough.
Tell me, please, Stop & Shop, how is corn considered natural and wheat not? Are both not grown? I guess the wheat ones have more artificial ingredients or something like that. Generally, the list of ingredients on the wheat ones does include more items, some of which sound very scientific, than the list of ingredients on the corn tortillas, which usually includes corn and one or two other things. But I still don't think that justifies putting them a store apart from one another. And I'd like to know how you live with yourself, Stop & Shop.

Words You Never Thought You'd See in a Job Posting

Another Craigslist posting to which I had to draw your attention, this one is for a feature film. I've included just the last part of it:

"We need all types of people to reflect the shit hole that is Newark.... and really bring it to life on the big screen. So the more felonies you have on your record the better!"

So, all you felons out there, who have lamented your plight again and again on job application after job application where you have had to fill out your criminal history and explain it in detail and read the company's words saying that your criminal record will not necessarily disqualify you for the job and know that despite this, you are starting out at an automatic disadvantage...all of you, flock to this job posting, and be glad:

A "Job Posting" You Have To See

Wow. I don't even know how to introduce this "job posting" I came across on Craigslist, which is quite the wild card, because you're as likely to find a legitimate job prospect there as you are a serial killer or someone with a superglue fetish looking for playmates. This is the strangest and potentially one of the most disturbing posts I've seen. Take a look.



I included the link because I wanted to prove to you that this was real, that I wasn't making it up. I know you trust me, but still, this is so outrageous that I just had to show you that someone actually put this up as an ad online. Here, if you prefer, is the copied and pasted version:

"Paid Improv at Family Home (My Family's House)

Ok. So Listen, I REALLY need to laugh this Christmas. I need it. Seriously. Here's my idea. You come with me to my house for Christmas pretending to be a character. It may be one you want to work on, or one that is invented together, we can discuss it on the way. I figure somwhere in there, at the very least, mention in some manner to my very religious and conservative family, that you love the nazis, or were a stripper-ninja or something interesting. Oh, and that God doesn't exist. Definitely. Or something to stir up some hilarious and non-hurtful controversy. So I guess you not only have to be a girl but also some form of atheist-stripper-nazi.

I'm telling you it's a trip. We'll make it up as we go along. Anyway, I'd do it for you. In fact, that's the deal, I'll go with you to one of yours, if you want. It'll be fun!

I'm a guy, so it may be easier to explain to my parents that this is a new girlfriend, rather then the alternative where I come out of the closet to my parents. - Man, that would be dedication. - But, for right now, I'd rather they not have heartattacks BOTH. Who would be left to entertain me? Anyway, even though you should be a girl, this is not a date! It's an experiment. An exploration. Did I mention that I NEED to laugh this Christmas? Sure, I think I did. This is a paid gig. If what I'm offering is not enough, tell me what you would do it for. I'm flexible. Improv skills welcome.

Ok. So Understand the concept? If you're still reading, this must be interesting to you. I plan to record most of it and cull a play out of it somehow. So this is a chance to do some co-writing as well. Anyway, I think I've explained enough. So, if you are just sitting around NYC during the holidays and want to join in on some experimental theatre, give me a holler. The days would be consecutive Dec 22-28th. Overnight stays at my family's but no Hanky. And no Panky. Really.

Unless you want to. But I'd have to think about it. But probably not much. No but then I wouldn't. But then I would be thinking about it all night, so I would probably try in the middle of the night when you would already be sleeping and freak you out. Then I would apologize and FINALLY go to sleep. Then we would(hopefully) laugh about it the next day. Or right now. Or... not.

This is a tough challenge for an actor.You really have to be this part. My parents have to believe you. My sister has to believe you and she is very observant. The stakes are high, because feelings could get hurt if it's not believeableand true. It's a worthy challenge for any actress. Plus, it'll be fun! Did I already mention that?

C'mon do it. Take a risk. Do something no-one's ever thought of to do before. It'll be fun! Or maybe not! Either way, It'll be fun!

Please send a current headshot or photo. Better current than headshot. Cheers!"

Okay, I'm not even going to touch the part about "Hanky" and "Panky" and his telling the potential applicants that he will likely crawl into bed with them. Is this guy for real? Does he actually expect to get ANYONE to reply to this ad? I seriously believe that only a completely delusional, psychotic, or in some other way mentally-diseased person would apply for something like this. Is this not one of the creepiest things you've ever seen?

I'm not going to touch on the fact that he's basically offering to pay people for a performance plus perhaps a little extra, which is coming dangerously close to prostitution, and I'm not going to touch on it any more than I have because it frankly makes my skin crawl to think that there are people who post ads like this out there, walking free in the world. This is unsettling. It is disturbing enough that he is inviting girls (and he does say "you not only have to be a girl but also some form of atheist-stripper-nazi") for "Overnight stays at my family's." That alone is just plain creepy and I firmly advise all girls to steer far clear of this and all similar ads.

This is the unfortunate reason Craigslist has developed the reputation it has. It is a shame, because there are legitimate posts by legitimate, moral and respectable people; but there are also lots of these. However, I have not seen any quite like this.

If the guy really wanted to just play a joke on his family, here's a bit of advice for him: Ask someone you know. Obviously, someone your family doesn't know. But someone you know, someone who knows you are not a serial killer or deranged sexual deviant. Someone who knows you are just a person looking for a laugh, who loves to play practical jokes. That way, they won't fear that by going to your family's house, they will wind up becoming some kind of sex slave tied up in your attic. Or a piece of furniture. Do you see what I'm saying? Do you understand why you shouldn't have posted this online? Think about it from the perspective of the girls you are seeking. Really.

Maybe this guy is really a super-nice, honest and respectful guy who just wants to play a great practical joke on his family. But the way he's presenting himself and this offer is definitely not reflecting that. It sounds like he is looking for a new girlfriend, but trying to disguise it by presenting it as an offer to pay a girl to pretend to be his girlfriend. Then, when he's got her right where he wants her, he will try to make her his girlfriend--or worse.

Dude, whoever you are, I hope you are not a crazy killer, and I hope that if you happen to read this, it helps you to realize that this is not something you should be posting. I mean no offense. I'm just trying to help.

I don't recommend that anyone reply to this post, even just to reiterate what I've said here. It is better not to respond at all if you do not know the type of person with whom you are dealing. I just wanted to make you all aware of this.

Cheap Umbrellas

What is the deal with cheap, crappy umbrellas? Why are they so terribly made? I was outside in the parking lot of Stop & Shop today, putting my groceries in the trunk of the car and holding an umbrella. There was a moderate, slightly forceful wind and some slanting rain. All of a sudden, there is a gust of wind, the umbrella inverts and promptly snaps off at the handle. The broken end flips over and sticks into my shirt, right above my shoulder. It takes me about a full minute to get it out without ripping my shirt. Can you believe that? That thing could have stuck into my neck had it been a few inches to the left. I've had umbrellas snap in half before, but only in very heavy winds, and I've never had them stick into my clothing before. It's like the umbrella took on an evil mind of its own and attacked me. Manufacturer of cheap-ass umbrellas, if you are reading this, I want you to know I am very unhappy with you. All I'm going to say is that there is such a thing as karma, and it's coming for you. That is not a threat. I don't have to do anything. You will be undone by one of your own umbrellas, if there is any justice at all in this cruel world.

Snow Play

Brrr...it is colder than a witch's tit on ice out there. Why isn't it, 'colder than a witch's heart?' Why is it 'tit'? Well, that's another matter. Oh, I remember the days in my youth when, after high school gym class, we would tear off our shirts (well, the guys, anyway) and dive onto a huge mound of dirty snow in the parking lot. Ah, what fun that was. Hot bare skin against freezing snow. Good thing we only stayed there for a few seconds before running back inside screaming "Holy sh** it's cold!" Otherwise, we would probably have died of hypothermia. Eventually.
Anyway, I remember other good times in the snow. Like eating it! And then my mom telling me only to eat the white snow, not the colored stuff. This was way before high school, of course. I knew better than to eat pee-soaked snow by the time I was fourteen, thank you very much!
And sledding. The best times of the season were spent sledding. My friend Pat and I would go down this super-steep, long hill that had three dips on the way down and terminated in the road. We would always bail before we hit the last drop. Well, almost always. There were times when we just didn't quite make it off the sled. Those were the fun times, the DANGEROUS times. The times when you really felt the rush. I remember landing on the shoulder of the road as a truck whizzed by about a foot away from my head. Now that's living.
Then there were the times we managed to just barely grab hold of a tree and hang there while our sleds rocketed on into the street, skidding across the roof or windshield of a passing car. This was followed by screeching brakes, and us scrambling and sprinting towards the house.
Then, with my buddies, Drew and Tom, I would attempt other acts of derring-do and recklessness, including piling all three of us onto a training snowboard however we could fit and descending at full speed down a hill towards whatever fate awaited us. The challenge, of course, was to see who could last the longest before falling off. And for the very brave--us, of course--there was the HEAD-FIRST descent. This worked better on a sled, generally speaking, than on a circular saucer or inner-tube, but we tried them all. It was generally okay--until you hit the big bump, or "jump" as we called it, with your groin instead of your buttocks. The first half of the ride was generally more fun than the second for this reason, as you can imagine.
At my own home, we had quite the wild time jumping the fence on our sleds or snowboards or tubes. My dad would plow the snow right up against the fence, to the top, so that if we gained enough speed on the descent, we would fly, or flop, at least, right over the fence and into our own backyard. What great fun that was. Until, of course, we got a bit too heavy and the fence suffered a fracture. A fracture which was then exacerbated when I tried my hand at the plow and went just a little too far.
Ever try this one? I was feeling particularly daring (foolish) one day and thought, why not put one foot on one sled and one on another and go downhill on both simultaneously, like a cowboy riding two horses in the Wild West? I know why NOW, of course, but it didn't cross my mind then. See, try as you might to match them up, the sleds rarely go at the same speed the whole way down. The effect is something akin to a split, if you're lucky, or the breaking of a wishbone, if you are not. Fortunately, I only had to experience the split before I realized that this was probably not the best decision I had ever made. But it was fun.
What about snowball fights? Lame, I know. A snowball fight is nothing compared to a snowball WAR. With competing armies behind barricades (of snow) and a wide open swath of "No Man's Land." Some would say a ski-mask is always best for this type of warfare, but I say the vision you have to sacrifice and the risk of looking like a fool if it doesn't fit right outweigh any positives. Besides, how are you going to get a scar (or an eye patch) to show off to the ladies or to your enemies in the next snowball war, if you've got a face mask to protect you from that lump of ice in your enemy's projectile?
A note: I do not recommend challenging a good baseball pitcher or team of them to a snowball war. However, if they challenge you, you of course must accept. You must never back down. You must fight, even if that means you and your whole army go down, dead to the last man. It is the Snowballer's Code. To back down is to heap endless shame upon yourself, your family, and your unborn children. It also shows poor Christmas spirit. What would baby Jesus think of someone who backs down from a challenge?
Regardless of the type of snow play, it always ended in drinking hot cocoa, sometimes with marshmallows or even graham crackers, while warming our frostbitten feet by the fire. Ahh, nostalgia.
Yeah, I'll probably repeat all that again this year.

Cell Phones

Here is something I simply do not understand: Why do people take so damn long to answer their cell phones? Is it really that hard? Does it really take that long to figure out its your phone when you hear it ringing very loudly and, coincidentally, right next to you? And when everyone around you is glaring, exhaling loudly, and rolling his or her eyes at you? Take a hint much, buddy? And have you noticed that the people who take forever to answer their damn phones are always the ones who've got the worst ringtones, the most obnoxious ones imaginable, and have their volume set to ear-splitting? Then, when they finally do answer the thing, they do so in a voice so loud, you would think they were not even using a phone, but rather, just trying to yell loudly enough to make the other person hear them hundreds of miles away? Why is this? Why do they talk so loudly? Is it because they are also the most hard-of-hearing people? Did they grow up in families where their parents yelled at people on the phone all the time, so they were taught that this is acceptable and proper and were also bereft of their hearing as a result? Now they can't hear a damn thing, so they yell without realizing it. This would also explain why it takes them so long to answer their calls.
I, for one, always make a conscious effort to answer my phone on the first or second ring, or as close to that as possible, or to silence it immediately by pressing--listen up here, people--the volume control. Yes, that's right. You can also hit 'ignore.' Whatever you like. Or, you can go on doing what you do now, which is stare at the phone like some kind of idiot, debating whether or not to answer it, or perhaps trying to recall whether or not you know who is calling you, or maybe trying to GUESS who it might be based on the area code and who you know in that area, while the rest of us just sit and wait, forced to endure your inane, godawful ring tone at a volume that would make Alexander Graham Bell roll over in his grave. What is wrong with you?
Another thing: Put your phone in an easily-accessible place, i.e., NOT the very bottom of your purse where it takes you so long to find it that the obnoxious ringtone completes its painful cycle and is replaced by your even more obnoxious (how?! I don't know!) voicemail notification, because--that's right--you took so damn long to press your mobile device to your ear that the caller actually had time to leave a voicemail.
Then, you decide you need to call the person back RIGHT NOW and yell at the top of your lungs like you're an airplane technician and there's a jet engine roaring right next to you. A little, gentle, polite reminder: There are other people around you. You are not alone. Please remember this. And if you can't use a cell phone courteously and responsibly, DON'T USE ONE! Give it to someone who can handle it! You know, I think some people should honestly be required to take a course on proper cell phone etiquette. Upon successful completion, they can obtain a 'Speaker's Permit,' with a probationary period of six weeks where they are tested for various qualities, like idiocy, obnoxiousness, self-awareness, loudness, etc. If they successfully complete this test, and are thus deemed fit to carry and use a cell phone, they are given a license to speak, which can and will be revoked if necessary. Having to use a landline for even just a day will remind them of how thankful they should be to have a cell phone and the right to use one. Maybe then they will think of others in public places.