How to Stand Out in the Crowd

A helping hand, people. When you don't know what a word means, just don't look it up, don't ask anyone, and simply interpret it any way you please, however totally incorrect. Just take a guess. It just may get you noticed. It did for me. And look where I am now. I did that with the word 'swanky,' which was the announced attire for an awards ceremony for our college theatre group, Stage Troupe. Everyone else--and I mean, every single other person--who attended wore either a suit or a dress. I wore a black hefty trash bag with armholes cut out, and sunglasses. I just could not believe I was the only one who had interpreted the attire more...loosely? Creatively? Stupidly? So, the moral is, don't think you won't be the only one. Don't think, Oh I'm sure someone else will wear this, someone else will do this, because you might turn out to be terribly wrong. Some ideas--like about forty-five percent of mine--sound great in your head but lose a little something in reality, when you're sitting in a huge plastic bag surrounded by people dressed to the hilt in red-carpet style. That may have been a wake-up call for me, because it certainly deterred me from ever doing that again, even though I did receive several compliments on my wardrobe.

Laundry (revisited)

So here's a fun fact, or I guess an opinion really, because some may disagree (for incomprehensible reasons). If you run out of underwear, it's not a good idea to wear your bathing suit for three days under a pair of jeans. It's not all that comfortable. It bunches up a lot in all the wrong places, and if you think a normal wedgie is bad, try a nylon/mesh wedgie, intensified by said bunching. It feels like a fisherman has caught you by the butt with his net and is trying to pull you in. You're better off going commando, even in jeans. Or you could just do your laundry, but maybe you have no choice, at least for today. I wore that bathing suit and jeans combo for three days straight. I've only felt more disgusting a few other times in my life. My buddy and I actually started a Facebook group called 'The Victims of Underwear Shortage' in honor and support of all those college students who temporarily at a very bad time have found themselves unable to fit laundry into their schedules or budgets. It's a support group. Real people. Real stories. Real underwear. Check it out and join if you're brave enough to share your story with us.

Roommates and Neighbors

Who are the worst neighbors ever? Me and my roommate (one of my best friends)during our sophomore year of college were probably good candidates. I don't think we would have won, but we would have put up a fight, that's for sure. I won't lay any blame on our third roommate; he was innocent. He was quiet and courteous. We, on the other hand, crammed fifteen (15) people into our cramped room that slept three but appeared to have been built for two and a half, and belted out Kelly Clarkson songs at the top of our lungs at midnight. Well, we had fun, at least. I don't think our neighbors did.
In terms of being good roommates to each other, we did quite well. Except for the time two of us threw balled-up articles of clothing at our innocent, quiet roommate while he slept. When he woke up, it looked as though he had passed out in a laundry basket. I was overall a good roommate all through college, once I stopped hanging my sweaty jockstrap in the window directly facing my freshman-year roommate's (another one of my best friends)bed, so that the breeze brought all the odor right to his nostrils. And I was second in my class in high school? Good lord, what did the people at the bottom of the class do?

Hostage teaser trailer

Even stranger--and more disturbed--people

I encountered a seriously disturbed individual in a NYC Subway. Now, you may have heard this a lot, or even encountered such people in the city subways, but this was a Subway restaurant. It's not in such a place that you normally expect to see such an individual. But there she was. The man behind the counter was finishing preparing her sandwich and she wanted it cut and wrapped in a specific way, so she was explaining that to him but I guess he was having trouble understanding exactly what she wanted because she started yelling "let me wrap my own sandwich!" So I'm ordering my sandwich and this seriously rude woman keeps interrupting me and the guy making mine, which is making the guy take longer, thus extending the amount of time I have to wait before enjoying my sandwich, and that's just not okay. So things start to escalate between her and the barely English-speaking Hispanic man trying to help her (so he can get the hell rid of her). I must have missed something, because the next thing I know, they're arguing over payment. The man is explaining to her that she still owes a dollar for the sandwich, but she does not agree. I don't think math--or English--or people skills--was her strong point. it seems her strong point was being a crazy obnoxious bitch. So she goes about counting pennies out of her purse. Evidently, she wanted to pay a dollar in pennies. This created another problem, because the man helping her understandably was not totally loving the idea of waiting for her to deposit a hundred copper circles on the counter and then have to try and fit them all into the cash register. Don't know why, but somehow he wasn't crazy about that idea, I guess. Here's the thing, though--did she even have close to a hundred pennies in that purse? I mean, who carries around that kind of change? Someone selling individual sticks of gum? Anyway, after a couple more tense exchanges between them, she grabs the dollar bill he's holding out of his hand and throws it at him. She starts swearing at the man, and throwing napkins on the floor, telling him to come clean them up. She's yelling "F^$k you!" and he's yelling "F^$k you!" and she yells back "How dare you talk to your customers like that!" She continues to make a mess, yelling 'take it outta your paycheck, f@&&*t!" I think she was referring to the balance owed on her sandwich. Maybe she should have just paid by credit card and paid the balance when she had the money. Well, the gritty-looking woman continues yelling and starts doing some weird and incredibly unattractive dance I hope never to see again from someone with that kind of posterior. I was expecting all the sewer rats in the city to be summoned and start circling her and following her into her lair, wherever it may be. Finally, she leaves after the men behind the counter threaten to call the cops. "I'mma come back here tomorrow with my boss, f@&&*t! I'mma tell 'im what you did!" What did he do? More to the point--you have a boss? What do YOU do?

Laundry

So I'm about the worst there is at keeping my blog updated. i know I'm keeping my two loyal followers in suspense, impatiently awaiting the next stroke of genius. Well, here it is, at long last.

What is with instructions on clothing these days? I mean, am I the only one who's confused? "Machine wash warm with like colors." But some of the like colors bear the instruction "Machine wash cold." So what are you supposed to do? Have four different loads when you really only have enough dirty laundry for two full ones? What a waste of money if you're using pay-per-use machines, as I am in my apartment building. My mom says everything can be washed in cold water, so I try to stick to that, but still--why do they say 'warm" then? And why the heck do I still find my clothes shrinking even though I put everything on 'low-delicate' specifically to avoid such shrinkage?! C'mon! Give me a break! Who do I blame for this? The manufacturer, I suppose. It's enough to drive a man nuts, I say.

Names That Might Actually Make Your Cat Leave You

What are the most unique cat names out there? Check out the top ten I've found. Got any to rival these? I'd love to hear them. People sometimes give strange names to their pets, don't they? Let's face it, they sometimes give strange names to their kids, too. As we go through this list of unique cat names, I want you to put yourself in the paws of the cats given these names, and ask yourself: If I knew what I know as a person, but were a cat, what would I think of my name?
Here we go....

The first unusual cat name on the list is Appollinaris. I found this one on www.funcatnames.com/. According to the site, it was the name of a cat belonging to renowned American writer Mark Twain (real name Samuel Clemens). Okay, so it's unusual, and a bit long, but it doesn't seem too ridiculous. Just wait.

All of the following names I found on www.cat-names.us/.

How about Vegemite? Wouldn't you just love to be named after a yeast extract spread? I know I would.

If that name doesn't strike your fancy, what about a different food, like Mushroom?

Oh, heck, why don't we just go ahead and name the cat Bologna while we're at it? Bologna? Seriously? This I don't understand. Unless you live in China, how do you look at a cat and think of food? And since this site was "cat-names.us," I'm a little confused.

If you don't want to name your cat after any type of food, why not go with a name like Goober? It's a southern U.S. term for a peanut--or a northern U.S. term for a southerner (well, to be specific, a redneck whose tires on his truck are so big his wife needs to be an Olympic pole vaulter to get into the passenger seat).

Not crazy about that one, either? Well, I don't know why, but okay...what about Bacardi? What alcoholics name their cats.

If your cat practices civil disobedience, why not name him Gandhi, after the celebrated peace activist? How does a cat do anything that would remind you of Gandhi? I guess if, instead of pooping in your shoes when he's angry, your cat stages a sit-in and refuses to go to the vet when you want him to, the name might be fitting.

If you're still not loving any of these, fear not...we've got a few more good prospects for you, beginning with Balto. Yes, like the famous sled dog who aided the Eskimos. Why give your cat a cat name when you can name it after a completely different species, known for its tendency to chase and torment cats?

If naming your cat for a dog is just not quite weird enough for you, you might want to go even further and call it Frog, after a creature that lives in water--which cats hate.

And lastly, how about Cancun? I know it may seem a bit strange to name an animal after a geographical location, but not if you went there on Spring Break and got so wasted that you came home with a cat you don't remember buying--or stealing.

Why do people give their cats these names? You've got me. Your guess is as good as--or perhaps better than--mine. But the question remains...if you were the cat, would you want any of the names above? If you need to get the weird naming thing out of your system, though, please do it on the pets and not on the kids. I'm telling you, it may seem like a novel and fun idea when they're born, but not when they're being verbally tortured in school and resent you for the duration of their young lives, until they're old enough to go to court and get their names legally changed. At least the cats won't know that they have ridiculous names, and probably won't hate you for them.