Mail

Kids these days have it so easy with email that when they actually have to mail something, they don’t know how. My sister was recently in the post office and wanted to mail a letter. She handed it to the cashier, who weighed it.
“Forty-two cents,” he said.
“No, really,” laughed my sister.
“No, really. Forty-two cents,” the cashier said again.
“I don’t want the whole book of stamps—I just want one,” she explained.
“Yes. One stamp is forty-two cents,” he explained, wondering under what rock my sister had been hiding for the past ten years.
“Are you kidding?!” my sister exclaimed.
The cashier eyed her. “Are you?”
My sister thought that a stamp cost seven cents.

Muffins

The other day, I was with my girlfriend in a coffee shop, and I saw the largest muffin I have ever seen in my life. Three of them sitting right next to each other. It’s actually more frightening as I look back on it now than it was at the time. These were about ten times the size of normal muffins. Enormous. Small footstools, they were. Family-style muffins. For a large family. Imagine eating one of those in one sitting. Holy crap. That’d be your daily value of carbohydrates for about the next week.

Listening

Here's an interesting topic: Talk show hosts on the radio who take calls from listeners—and then don’t let the listeners speak. They talk all day and we listen—they can’t just let someone else speak for the one or two minutes they’re on the air? They took the person’s call, for Pete’s sake! Why do they bother taking calls if they’re just going to shoot down what the person says and reiterate their own view? It seems pretty pointless to me. A discussion would be far better. I understand that these hosts are passionate about the topics on which they speak, and I respect that. But passionate and close-minded need not be one and the same. I’d like to host a talk show. But I would let the listeners speak. Sometimes it’s funny what people say. A lot of times, in fact. If people listened more, they’d get more laughs out of it and maybe have more stories to tell. But it really is true that so many people don’t really listen—they just wait for their turn to speak. Have you noticed this? I’m sure you have. The point was brought up in the movie “Fight Club,” and I thought it was a brilliant observation about humanity. Why don’t we listen more? Why aren’t we more patient? Our culture demands instant gratification, so that’s what we’re conditioned to want and seek. Imagine how much more productive and helpful we could be to each other if we just listened more! Hopefully, someday, more people will begin to realize this.

Human Composition: More than chemical, I say

If all we are is chemicals that have combined randomly to form these bodies in which we live, where do our deepest desires come from? Why do we ask why? Why do we ponder our own existence? Why do we seek knowledge, betterment of self, happiness and love? Why do we have dreams and follow them? Why do we feel emotions and not just physical sensations? Why are we not just simple animals? I say there must be a soul in us humans. Given all our dreams and feelings and passions and philosophical thoughts, I say there must be something that lives on when our hearts have ceased to beat.

Terms of Endearment

These are equally as interesting as nicknames. Where do they come from? "Honey" and "sweetie" make sense, as both things are sweet and sweet things are pleasant to the palate. Still, it's funny how we base terms of endearment on sugar and the physical sensation of taste. Sure, we taste each other when we kiss, but if that were the only criterion on which we based our little pet names, we'd call each other "orange juice" and "hamburger" and "beer breath," too, wouldn't we? I mean, we don't always taste like honey or other sweet things. Where the hell did "pumpkin" come from? I mean, it's cute, but still, what's it mean? "I love you, pumpkin." Translation: "I love you, round orange vegetable" ? Not exactly number 1 on the list of most flattering things to be called. Now "pumpkin pie" tastes good, but we don't call each other that, do we? We call each other "cutie-pie," though. How is a pie cute? If it's small. So, basically, a nice way of saying "small-pie," or a delicious treat that won't make you gain too much weight. As opposed to "large pie" or "heavy pie" or "thick pie," all of which are tasty but you may regret eating a whole one. So where the hell does pumpkin come from? Why not apple? It's smaller, which is almost always something women want to be, it's sweeter than a pumpkin and it also makes a delicious pie! It's generally been my experience that apple pie is actually more popular than pumpkin. But I have never heard "apple" used as a term of endearment. I believe a celebrity whose name escapes me named his/her daughter "apple," but that's another story.

Nicknames

What's the deal with nicknames? They're funny, aren't they? Especially certain ones. How did "Chazz" become a nickname for Charles? How did "Chuck" become a nickname for Charles? Charley's the only real nickname I understand for Charles. Is it because Chazz rhymes with jazz and jazz is seen as smooth and cool? Maybe. Chuck I just don't get. Why would someone nickname someone else after a type of beef? I mean, I have a friend we call "Beef" but that's because it comes directly from his last name. But Chuck? Sure, it sounds manly, but is that only because of Chuck Norris? If not for him, would people laugh at the name Chuck as being silly? I doubt anyone would dare tell Chuck Norris it's silly, for fear of being fatally roundhouse-kicked in the cranium. I guess he's the protector of that nickname. What about "Hank" for Henry? Really? How did that one spring up? I mean, the two things that come to mind when I hear "Hank" are "yank" and "hankie" (short for handkerchief). Neither of these is anything I would want to be associated with, especially a hankie, which is a nice name for "mucus collector that you shove in your pocket for repeated use."

Restroom Noise

What is the deal with people breathing heavily and grunting in the stall next to mine in restrooms? I mean, c'mon! Is that really necessary? I try to be considerate of others by remaining quiet so as not to draw my neighbor's attention to the fact that there is another person relieving himself right next door. We try not to think about that. Or at least I do! But some people make that very difficult! I mean, have you no shame, people? It's not your own bathroom. Do what you will in the privacy of your own home, but try to be quiet and courteous when you're in the presence of others. No one wants to know you're there, sitting on the toilet, doing your business! And I can assure you, no one wants to know that you're having trouble with it! That is the last thing I want to know. I hope some of you read this. You know who you are.