Yes, I'm Still Here

Wow...yeah, it's been a little while since my last post. I've certainly been writing--just haven't transferred the stuff to this here blog yet. Life happens, you know? But material is coming your way, so look out, readers! All 7 of you. I hope nobody has a heart attack from sheer shock at seeing that Ryan Zanoni has actually posted something new, or thinks that my blog has been hacked. No, it's really me, I assure you. This little post here is an announcement that I'm still alive, and not only alive but also posting again. How about that? Like a phoenix rising from the ashes--nope, not gonna do that. It's too late in the night for similes. I'm tired and ready for bed. Like Odysseus after returning home from a long, treacherous voyage at sea, following battles and numerous brushes with death, and killing the suitors who attempted to win the affections of his wife. My day was sort of similar to Odysseus': After a long, treacherous week of work at my office writing job, I woke up this morning, completed a forty-five minute weightlifting workout, bathed, brought my TV on a voyage to the repair shop, went on another voyage to purchase a spaghetti squash and parmesan cheese for dinner, watched some comedy on my tablet, and then realized I had not posted on my blog in two years. Hmmm. Looks like I actually did more than Odysseus. C'mon, Odysseus. Work on your time management. Do you even know what a tablet is? No, I'm not talking about stones. God, Odysseus! Really? Anyway, I wish you all a happy and healthy New Year, and I look forward to sharing many more of my thoughts and feelings with you as 2013 rolls on. And please, tell your family, friends and colleagues about my blog and encourage them to check it out!

Strange Habits

I was watching Rachael Ray this morning. Okay, let me rephrase. I was...doing something else, and Rachael Ray's show was on, and I overheard...okay, I was watching Rachael Ray, and I saw something quite peculiar. A woman was talking about her addiction to eating toilet paper. There was plenty of video of her consuming bathroom tissue in significant quantities. She keeps a roll in her glove compartment, for a snack on the road. She keeps some in a bag in her purse. She has eaten over one thousand pounds of toilet paper over twenty-three years.
Questions. Well, there's the obvious one: What the hell is it about toilet paper that this woman craves? She says she loves the way it melts in her mouth. She likes the feel of it against her tongue.
Next: How did she find out that she liked eating toilet paper? I'm not sure if this was answered in the segment, but I would sure like to know. It seems to me there is only one way to find out: Try eating some. But why? What would possess a person to even try eating toilet paper? You're sitting there, on the toilet, getting ready to wrap up your business, and you think, "Hmmm, I wonder what it would be like to eat this stuff..." Wow. Why doesn't she just eat cotton candy if she likes the feel of something with that kind of texture melting in her mouth?
She says, and I paraphrase, "I want people to know that I'm a regular person, like them. I just like eating toilet paper." Sure. I mean, other than that, we probably have a lot in common.
Somewhere out there, a man was watching that segment and smiling, tears shimmering in his eyes as he gently folded sheets of toilet paper onto his tongue and said, "I've found the one."

Cleaning Up After The Holidays

I love that, when trying to dispose of my Christmas tree today, I used about four trash bags, a huge paper bag, four plastic shopping bags and the plastic packaging from two bulk packs of toilet paper, taped together with an entire roll of scotch tape to look like some sort of homeless monster trying to cover himself against the cold--only to realize, after taking this unsightly mess down to the trash collection site in my building, that I had a large heavy-duty trash bag sitting under my sink...right next to the smaller trash bags of which I had used half a box to make my shoddy patchwork quilt. Awesome.

Riding the Train

Here's something I just don't understand: People getting on trains with no money. What do they think is going to happen? I would really like to know. Saw three young men do this last night. Got on at Grand Central Station in Manhattan and apparently were looking for a free ride to Dobbs Ferry, forty minutes away. Such a ticket would have cost roughly eight or nine dollars one-way. When the conductor asked them for their tickets, they said they had lost them. When she said they'd have to pay the on-train ticket price, which is nearly double the in-advance price, they said they had no money on them. No money. She told them they would have to get off at the next stop, get some money, and wait for the next train. What the hell were they thinking? Did they think they would get a vote of sympathy from the conductor? They did nothing to try to win one. Did they think they could just say,'Put it on my tab' and the MTA would bill them later? Clearly, these people are just idiots or they have never ridden a train before. I would love to know what's going on inside these people's heads--but I'm thinking I already know: Nothing.
Now, having said that, let me criticize the MTA: How dare you charge DOUBLE the ticket price for on-board purchases? I understand you wish to deter people from buying on-board because there are often a lot of people on the train, and this way the conductor just has to collect and click tickets and hand out seat checks. Convenient for him or her. Convenient for you. Saves time. Guess what? Not convenient for US. We try to buy our tickets in advance, we really do, because most of us know that you go for the jugular with your on-board prices. But sometimes, it just doesn't work out, y'know? Sometimes, we're running late, for whatever reason, and we just didn't have time to purchase the ticket in advance, and maybe we're not currently riding often enough to purchase a ten-trip or a monthly ticket in advance. Maybe we're unemployed and going in for job interviews. And for this, we get screwed with DOUBLE the fare? How is that just? Charge a few dollars extra if you want a deterrent--not a one hundred percent (or nearly that) markup! Especially when you raise your prices like everyone else and then cut certain train lines and expect all of us to just deal with it. Stop ripping us off. And just so you know, it's been quite a while since I've had to pay an on-board fare, so I'm not writing this in the heat of passion after being ripped off myself. I'm writing for everyone who rides the train. That's all I've got to say, dammit.

Tantrums

So I'm watching the Rachael Ray show this morning...yes, I'm a male watching the Rachael Ray show. I'm unemployed. Don't judge me. Anyway, the segment is on "Adult Tantrums." Yes, adults acting like small children, losing their tempers and lashing out irrationally. A clip was just shown; picture this: A grown woman, standing outside a McDonald's drive-thru window and flipping out because they were not serving chicken McNuggets at the time she wanted them. She is yelling and even hitting the employees inside the restaurant. Repeatedly.
What is wrong with this woman? Is she mentally unstable? I think that's an understatement. Either that or she is having one of the worst days of her life, everything is crumbling around her, and she's just unleashing a rage that has been building up for a while.
I'll admit, chicken McNuggets are pretty tasty--until you are made aware of what's actually inside them. Watch "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution" and you'll see what I'm talking about. Maybe if she saw that, she wouldn't be assaulting people to get her McNuggets. Then again, if she's the type of person who's going to do that, she probably would anyway.
If there's ever a point in one's life when one has to really take a step back and evaluate oneself, I think it's when one begins assaulting restaurant employees for not selling fake chicken at certain times.

Writing Services

Everyone,
I'm offering my writing skills to anyone in need of help. Whether you or someone you know needs or wants help writing resumes, cover letters or follow-up correspondence for jobs, query letters to send to literary agencies or publishers, papers for school or work, speeches, thank-you notes for holiday, birthday or any-time gifts, or a proofreader/editor for your own creative work, I can help! I've got many years' experience in writing, proofreading and editing, and graduated magna cum laude with a Bachelor of Arts Degree in English from Boston University. I've written tons of cover letters and many prospective employers have praised them as outstanding; I've even had interviewers tell me that they called me in primarily based on my cover letter. I know how to write a letter that will really stand out from the crowd, which is so important in these tough economic times when so many people are competing for work. I know how to highlight your relevant skills and experience and express them eloquently, as well as how to use humor to spice up your letters and give your readers (and potential interviewers) a break from the monotony of reading stacks of boring, cookie-cutter cover letters. I've written many research and analytical papers and a fictional web series that is in development, and I am working on two screenplays and a book right now.

Rates:

$5/page for proofreading/editing
$15/page for writing resumes and cover letters
$5/letter or note for writing follow-up correspondence, e.g., a thank-you note to the interviewer, or thank-you notes for gifts, etc.
$16/hour to discuss your work, my corrections/suggestions, or my work done on your behalf.

I will require full payment up-front.

I'm happy to work with electronic versions of your work or hard-copy versions, whichever you prefer. I will pay return postage up to $2.00 if you choose to send me a hard copy. For anything that costs over $2.00 to send, I will require payment for the overage up-front.

Please make payment via Paypal, if possible. Here's a link:

https://www.paypal.com/

If not, you may pay by check made out to "Ryan Zanoni." I'll let you know the address when we talk business.

I am more than happy to send you samples of my own writing upon request. I'll also gladly send a letter of recommendation and/or list of references, if desired. Just ask!

Please inform your friends, loved ones and acquaintances!

I look forward to hearing from you. Happy New Year! I hope 2011 brings you plenty of joy, love, peace and prosperity.

Best,

Ryan Zanoni
rjzanoni@yahoo.com
203-927-0981 (cell)

Bob Dylan & Christmas

Let me start by saying I love Bob Dylan's music. I think he's truly a genius, one of the greatest songwriters/poets of all time.
However, to me, this does not mean he should sing Christmas carols. If you have not heard this, or even if you have, just to remind you, please indulge:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8qE6WQmNus

Am I the only one who finds it sad that when you type 'Must Be Santa' into YouTube's search field, 'Bob Dylan' is the first artist name that comes up after it?

I think we can all agree that it's probably not completely in keeping with the spirit of Christmas for children to hear the songs of Ol' St. Nick being sung in a low, gravelly voice that calls to mind a homeless, wandering vagrant stumbling through the streets, a Colt 45 malt beverage wrapped in a brown paper bag in one hand, a smoking blunt in the other, crooning to himself and anyone else who will listen as he searches for a place to sleep. It might scare them a bit.

Once again, Bob's amazing, and I love his truly inspired and inspirational work, but let's leave the caroling to every other famous singer who does it year after year on every basic cable television station for the month or so leading up to Christmas. I think kids should probably become young adults, at least, before they hear Ol' St. Bob. And they should probably go deaf before they hear Ol' St. Bob sing any Christmas songs.